Grieving the death of a loved one
The death of a loved one is a very painful
experience. Jesus understood what it is
like to lose a loved one. In John
11:1-4 we find the story of Jesus' grief over His beloved friend
Lazarus. Jesus was deeply moved and wept
over the death of this friend. But this
story does not end in tears because Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead (John
11:25). We can take comfort in knowing
that death is not the end of those who die.
Everyone who believes in the Lord Jesus Christ will receive eternal life
(John 10:28). A new home has been
prepared for us where there will be no more death, tears or pain (Rev.
21:1-4). But while we have this comfort,
that our believing loved ones are with the Lord forever, we are left behind and
the sadness can be overwhelming. How
should we as believers mourn the death of a loved one?
1.
Christians may mourn
If Jesus mourned the death of His friend, it cannot be a sin, or wrong to mourn the death of your loved one. Believers are people who mourn, but we do not mourn like unbelievers, because we have hope (1 Thess. 4:13). If our loved one was a believer, they are with the Lord now, and they are happy where they are, this gives us comfort. We are happy for them, and yet we miss them. Death is an unnatural intruder that has taken someone precious from us, but death is part of God's curse on humanity as a result of sin. Death was not part of God's perfect hope for us.
Grieving the death of someone shows that you
loved them, that they meant something to you, and that their absence has made
you poorer. We learn this from the Jews
who watched Jesus weep over Lazarus who said ‘See how he loved him!’ (John 11:36). It is not wrong for a believer to mourn,
because Jesus himself mourned the death of His beloved friend.
2.
The Lord is our source of comfort
‘But God, who comforts the downcast, comforted us’ (2 Cor. 7:6). We must find comfort and healing from God through prayer to Him. He is 'the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction' (2 Cor. 1:3-4). The Lord knows your pain and He loves His children, therefore run to ‘the shelter of the Most High' where you will find 'refuge' and 'fortresses’ in your sorrow (Ps. 91:1-2).
It is also important to study the Word of God as
much as possible (Rom. 15:4), because that is where you will find God's words
of comfort. You should also not neglect
to go to church and listen attentively to the preaching of God's Word. There is a great danger that you will seek
comfort (or escape) from people, in food, in shops, on the internet or
television, but none of these can comfort you, only the Lord can comfort the
believer, come to Him.
3.
Express your emotions
Remember that Jesus expressed his sorrow.
Through tears and through words we must express our sorrow as well. Holding back your emotions is unnatural
because we are not disembodied souls.
We must not forget that God made us emotional beings and that in times
of sorrow it is only right to express it. However, we must remember that our
emotions are influenced by sin and there are sinful emotions and emotions can
also be expressed in a sinful way. There
is a time and a place for tears and tears at the right time are a blessing from
God. Grief also differs from person to
person because the Lord has given us different personalities. The amount of tears someone sheds is
therefore not a measure of his sadness or love for the person he lost.
4.
Be prepared that sadness will overwhelm you
A storm on the sea is perhaps the best
comparison of what the process of mourning can be like. Like the storm of Jonah
(Jonah 2:3) or that of the Sons of Korah (Ps. 88:8) it can at times feel like
we are drowning in our sorrow. You may
experience times of hopelessness and joylessness in which you may feel as if
you are in a deep hole of depression. It
may feel to you that everything and everyone overwhelms you and as if the Lord
himself has forgotten about you. David
writes about such an experience in Psalm 13. But in that moment of
overwhelming he calls out to the Lord and he reminds himself of the goodness of
the Lord towards him and this leads him to find his trust and rest in the Lord
who will save him from his distress.
5.
Take it one day at a time
The process of grieving the death of a loved one
takes time. The pain that comes with it
is inevitable because we miss them. We
may get discouraged along the way because we think it will never end and that
we will be sad for the rest of our lives.
But Jesus teaches us an important lesson in Matthew 6:34 ‘Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow,
for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own
trouble.’ But just as each day
brings its own sorrow, so we will also receive sufficient grace for each day (2
Cor. 12:9). Take each day at a time and
you will find ‘God will help [you] when
morning dawns’ (Ps. 46:6). If a day
is too hard for you, turn to God's Word (Ps. 119:28) for strength and call on
Him in prayer because He will give you rest (Matt. 11:28-30).
6.
Focus on your daily tasks
There is a great danger that your grief will
overwhelm you to such an extent that you cannot or want to do anything. The death of a loved one is a tremendous blow
and it can take over your thoughts and time to such an extent that you actually
only feel like you are just existing day by day. However, we have to get up and move on and
the sooner the better, because the longer you stay in that overwhelmed state,
the harder it will be to get up from it.
The best is to get up and start doing the necessary things every day and
eventually expand it until you can get back into full action (Is. 35:3).
7.
Talk to others
It is important not to keep your hurt and
sadness to yourself. Unfortunately, many will grow tired of listening and may
even avoid you. You should surround
yourself with people who are willing to listen and who will direct you to the
Lord who is our refuge and our strength in times of distress (Ps 46:2) and thereby
encourage you. Sometimes people don't
have the words to say or advice to give, but it's always good to have someone
who is willing to listen. It is also
important to surround yourself with fellow believers who can pray for you in this
time of sadness.
In summary:
Let us not forget that the believer's sorrow will
eventually lead to hope. If we trust in
the Lord and come to Him with our sorrow, He will comfort us and eventually
take us to where He and also the great crowd of fellow believers who awaits us,
including your loved one if they were a believer. You will meet again in eternity. The Lord has given us emotions so that we can
express our pain through it, this is a great mercy and we should not be ashamed
to cry when the time is right. There
will be times of great storms, but pray to the Lord who will help you through
them. Get up every day and face the day
knowing that the Lord will strengthen you.
Don't worry about the sadness of tomorrow, the Lord will give you new
strength for them. Be grateful for those
around you who encourage you, but let us not forget that it is the Lord who
will carry us through.
ds. Leon Harmse
The Pastor of Sunward Park Baptist Church